


Heads, You Lose

by quartetship



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Gen, Multipairing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-17
Updated: 2016-06-17
Packaged: 2018-07-15 16:17:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7229644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quartetship/pseuds/quartetship
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I was warned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heads, You Lose

**Author's Note:**

> Idk, man. Idk. Some sad canonverse Hitch, to soothe my soul.
> 
> (Mentions of both Hitch/Annie and Hitch/Marlowe.) I'd say enjoy, but instead I'll just say I'm sorry. 
> 
> \--

I was warned. 

When I decided I wanted to be in the military, everyone thought they had something worth telling me. Every relative and friend had something that I needed to know before I went, and I didn't listen to a word of any of it. Mostly because I was sure I knew what I was doing; I thought I knew what I was getting myself into. But I had no idea. 

They warned me not to get attached. In the military, they said, life moves fast, and things change even faster. People get hurt, people get transferred away - people die. We were in peacetime, relatively speaking, so I didn't put much stock in what they were saying. I didn't have any intentions of finding real friends or falling in love, in the barracks and bases. I just wanted a better life for myself, and I was going to get it. 

So off I went, without a second thought to what everyone back home had tried so hard to warn me about. 

Training wasn't so bad. I made friends, sure. But I also moved up through my class, stepping on toes to boost myself up, if I needed to. Because I was going to secure my place in the military police, and it didn't matter if I had to hurt a few feelings to get there. I was just doing what I had to to take care of myself. 

And I got what I wanted. The evening that they announced the top ten in our class is still one of my fondest memories. It's one of the few good ones I have left. 

Having a roommate was nice. When I met Annie, she was quiet, and though we didn't talk much, I felt connected to her almost from the first day we moved in together. I told her a lot about my childhood, about my thoughts and feelings I was probably better off not having, and she listened. No matter what I talked about, she listened, like she really cared. I still can't be sure if she did, or if she was just that good of an actor. But it's hard for me to believe she was faking it, all that time. 

I loved Annie. I didn't realize it, right away. It came in ripples, short, quiet moments between us, when she would open up to me, when she would hold my hand while I cried about something. I wanted something more with her, but I didn't know what, and I never got the courage to try to figure that out. All I knew was that I had never had a friend like her, and even though the warnings of the people back home echoed in my mind, I got attached. How could I not?

Annie was my roommate. Annie was my friend. 

Annie was a monster. 

I had no idea. I think that's what bothered me the most, after everything was said and done. When I saw her for what she really was, I couldn't reconcile that creature with the image I had of Annie in my mind. I couldn't wrap my head around a reality in which my friend - the person I had come to care so much for - was nothing but a killer, a calculated and cold-hearted murderer. 

Part of me still doesn't believe it. Part of me never will. 

Maybe that part, the part that retained hope for humanity, was the part that let me make my second mistake. That mistake was a fellow military policeman, a man who was as hard-headed as he was idealistic. That mistake was named Marlowe. 

Marlowe was so genuine, so real. He was outspoken and raw, but valued law and order more than anyone I'd ever met in my life. He was full of harsh criticism and keen observations, and he was full of heart. 

I fell even harder, the second time. 

For all of his posturing and his quickness to argue - especially with me - Marlowe was soft and sweet at his center, and never had I felt so safe, as I did at his side. He believed so strongly in righteousness, in the truth, and I believed in him. Everyone teased us, and it was obvious that it made him uncomfortable, but I think he was just afraid of not being taken seriously, if everyone knew just how deeply he was capable of loving. 

He brought out the worst in me, but once that was gone, he brought out the best of me, too. 

There were so many moments that seem like little more than a blur, now. Hands held in dark places, the sound of his heartbeat, with my ear gently pressed to his chest; I took all of it for granted. I assumed that Marlowe and I would come out on the other side of this war, hand in hand, finally free to grow old together. I got attached, because I thought I had finally found the stability that my life was sorely lacking, in the world behind the walls. 

I didn't realize how temporary it all was. I didn't heed the warnings. I didn't listen. 

Now he's gone. Now, once again, I'm left alone, looking out at a horizon shortened by giant walls of stone, watching the sun set beyond them, wondering if I will ever feel joyful again. I was burned, once. You would think that would've made me shy of the source of my pain. But I went back again and ended up scarred forever, the bonds I built despite the warnings, torn forever by the unfairness of life, as it is. 

This world doesn't care if you're happy. This world doesn't care if someone is all you have, if they're everything you've been searching for, or if they're the one person that gives you hope, in the darkness. This world doesn't care. 

So now, neither should I. I should go back to being what I once was, concerned about myself, and my comfort, about keeping myself safe and alive. I should listen to the wisdom of the people that gave me warning, not only because they were right, but because now I've proved it - I've learned the hard way, felt the burden of the lesson on my own back, twice. 

Yet, if either of them were to return, I can't say that I would walk away. I can't say that I would turn my back on my former friend without hearing what she had to say. I can't honestly say that I would back away from Marlowe, even knowing full well what loving him cost me. 

I can't say I've really learned anything, other than the lessons they gave me. Annie taught me to open up, to enjoy friendship and first love in a world where it happens so rarely. Marlowe taught me to let go, to let myself love deeply, despite the danger. I wish I could say I'm better off, for it. I wish I could tell anyone that loving others was worth the price you inevitably pay for it. 

But it isn't. 

Because now I'm alone, even surrounded by other people. Now I watch the sun as it disappears, flipping a coin to keep my shaking hands busy as I think about its two faces, the two faces that changed my life so entirely. Now I know that no matter which face it lands on, I'm never going to be the winner - I never even had a chance. 

I should have listened. 

I was warned. 


End file.
